FreebirdTime to Build a New
Community

Kids moving out can disrupt adult friend groups. Which means it might also be the right time to form new ones.

By Noelle Salmi

An unexpected consequence of having your youngest, or your only, child leave the house can be the loss of community.

In some cases, that loss might be of the connections that were centered around your child’s school or after-school activities. Perhaps your Saturdays had been spent cheering on your young soccer player alongside other parents, or you were active in your school’s parents association.

Even if your adult friendships didn’t revolve around your child’s school, you or your friends may have been waiting for high school graduation to downsize to a smaller home—not necessarily in the same city—or to finally travel.

In the years since our kids started leaving for university, our once large group of friends has slowly spread out, now living across the bay, across the country, or across the ocean. We make an effort to stay as connected as possible, doing so the way you might do with your own out-of-the-house young adult: group texts.

We’re constantly in touch online, with a group text for politics, another one to share fun stuff we’re up to, and even a Wordle score share group for a humble bragging subset of us. We plan hiking trips, buy tickets to music shows, and organize girls or guys weekends for whoever is able to join. And when someone’s big birthday rolls around, then the majority of us gather.

Those gatherings are important. Just last year, a report from the World Health Organization called loneliness a global epidemic and cited research showing that isolation can lead to premature death. On the flip side, the good news is that social connections are linked with improved health and longer lifespans.

In the case of our old friend group, most of us are also working on building new, in-person connections for this new phase of life. This is where the Freebird mindset comes in. Rather than focusing on the loss, this mindset considers the opportunities. Being freed up from the daily rhythm of parenting, we can pursue new interests and build personal connections around them.

Because these relationships are so central to our emotional and physical well-being, it’s worth seeking them out. Moreover, the process of creating new connections can help address some of the other difficulties many parents feel when they become Freebirds: the loss of one’s sense of purpose, the absence of centering daily rituals.

It’s our turn to once again enter the metaphorical school cafeteria and find a seat with others.

That is, the search for other sources of connection can mesh well with the pursuit of new interests that this time in our life affords us. Even working parents will have new opportunities available to them when their kids leave home. One working mom told me that she has now signed up for professional development conferences that she didn’t feel she had time for when her children were at home.

You could join a MahJong group or take up pickleball – if you haven’t already started thwacking that noisy, plastic ball. In addition to the benefits of social interaction, those pursuits offer mental or physical benefits. Friends have taken up art, joined community boards, or have set goals of climbing certain mountains, enlisting friends to train with them.

Another parent whose work involves advising non-profit groups focused on incarceration reform and other tough issues told me she wanted her volunteer hours to give her a mental break from the societal problems that occupy her workday. So she donates her time as an usher at her city’s ballet, where she chats with other volunteers and can be swept away by the beauty of dance, for free.

In his bestselling book, Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, the former US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy writes that service is a wonderful way to build connections with others. We can make connections not just by reaching out to aid friends and neighbors, but by seeking their assistance as well. People want to be there for one another.

For some, reaching out may be the most difficult part of creating a new community. Given that doing hard things is so healthy for our cognitive health, that’s all the more reason to give it a try. One useful thing to remember is that we’ve long expected our children to be adept at making connections, when we sent them off to school, summer camp, or college. It’s our turn to once again enter the metaphorical school cafeteria and find a seat with others.

We’ll likely find that those others are also looking for a lunch partner. Slide over on that cafeteria bench and make some space.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on building community. Email me at noelle@seconds.global

Noelle Salmi is a writer, author, and frequent podcast guest on the subjects of travel and sustainability. She has written for Travel + Leisure, Monocle, USA Today, AFAR, Matador Network, Parenthood, and several other publications.