FreebirdFreebirding is a
Privilege

We can feel at a loss when our kids leave home. But remember: It’s what you really wanted for them all along.

By Noelle Salmi

A few weeks ago, I messaged a group of friends asking for their thoughts on being a Freebird. When I saw the dots of my friend M writing their response, my heart sank.

How could I have been so thoughtless? M’s clever, creative son may never live independently as a result of a serious cycling accident over three years ago. When M finished typing her text, she shared that being a Freebird, seeing one’s child spread their wings and become a fulfilled, independent adult is a privilege. One for which we should be grateful. I thanked M for this truism and promised I’d dedicate a column to it.

While M and her son’s sad circumstances are extreme, the reality is many parents of young adults are not becoming Freebirds as they had expected. Today, ever more young people are staying longer at their childhood home. The Wall Street Journal cites research showing 49% of people under 30 in the US are living with a parent.

Some reasons are economic, like unaffordable housing and a weak job market. The ability to work remotely has also allowed some first-time employees to stay home and save money. Beyond financial constraints, though, a subset of young people are living with their parents for less healthy reasons. Books like Jonathan Haidt’s Anxious Generation highlight research showing that, in many cases, the kids are not alright.

Seeing one’s child spread their wings and become a fulfilled, independent adult, is a privilege.

At a recent college reunion, I was saddened to hear about grown children who weren’t thriving. Many parents described one adult child who was flourishing in a new job or city, while their sibling was at home, struggling. This stay-home situation has become so common it’s earned the dubious label “failure to launch syndrome.” Therapists who work with young adults and their families prefer to talk about “stuckness,” a better term and one we’ll explore in a future column.

Here, however, let’s celebrate the blessing of an unoccupied nest. Certainly, childhood whizzes by, and the Freebird phase may have arrived more quickly than we’d expected. Yet, thinking back on the dreams we had for our kids when we could still carry them, certainly independence was among them. When our toddlers said they wanted to grow up to be a firefighter or dancer, we may have questioned the profession but still embraced the idea of their future selves, living a self-sufficient adult life.

When our children leave home, we should cheer their emergence into adulthood—even as we miss them terribly. The child who has left home for work or study is on their own exercising both good and questionable judgment, making mistakes, and learning from each blunder. They’re growing up.

Yes, the house can feel too quiet without your kids in it. They may not be soaring yet, and maybe they’re just flapping hard against headwinds. But if your child has left the nest and at least taken to the sky, be grateful for the privilege of being able to do so.

As always, I’d love to hear from you. I’m at noelle@seconds.global

Noelle Salmi is a writer, author, and frequent podcast guest on the subjects of travel and sustainability. She has written for Travel + Leisure, Monocle, USA Today, AFAR, Matador Network, Parenthood, and several other publications.